How to Care for Yourself While Caring for Others: a note to Catholic Caregivers
This article was written by a member of Catholics Online: Nichole Haugen, Catholic Grief Coach
Listen to Nichole’s podcast here!
Do you often hear about self care, but think that feels selfish?
Do you feel as if You don’t have the time or energy to do anything extra right now and that’s what comes to mind when the idea of caring for yourself comes up in your mind or in conversation?
Perhaps you are helping take care of your mom (dad, spouse, loved one who is aging).
She has a doctor’s appointment where you are told that things are progressing. The doctor changes her medications a bit and you are left wondering “how can I keep going like this?” You don’t have time to even process because it’s off to the pharmacy, on your way to your daughter’s volleyball game. You hold your emotions in check as you cheer on her team, head home and do the supper/bedtime routine. When everyone is in bed it’s time to do the dishes and laundry.
When you fall in bed at the end of the day you are not only physically exhausted but also mentally drained. As the quiet comes in, you start to spiral on all the ‘what ifs.’ What if mom needs full time care, what if her pain gets worse, what if this is her last Christmas?
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You are taking care of everything and everyone but who is taking care of you? You often hear about self care, but that feels selfish. You don’t have the time or energy to do anything extra right now. You are grieving future losses, changes, and uncertainty.
Do you want to be able to care for yourself in a way that is practical, simple, and doesn’t feel like adding another thing on the to do list? if yes, keep reading . . .
When we think of self care what often comes to mind is a spa day, shopping, a pedicure or manicure, socializing, or a long bubble bath.
Nothing about those feels easy or quick.
Instead, try this:
start asking yourself, “What do I need at this moment?”
An example of this is using the above scenario, as follows. While you are at the doctor’s office and before you leave, step into the bathroom. As you close the door, also close your eyes and take a couple deep breaths in and out. Place your hand on your neck to get skin to skin contact. Focus on the air going in and out of your nose, this will help calm down your nervous system. Do this for 60-90 seconds. After your nervous system is calmed then you can move into allowing the feeling.
To allow a feeling you first need to know what it is you are feeling. For this you can google a feelings wheel and pick one word to describe how you are feeling. It might be sadness, exhaustion,overwhelmed, frustrated,or lonely. After you pick a word ask yourself where do I feel this in my body? Is it in my shoulders? Stomach? Does it radiate down my arms? What color is it?
Here is my example:
When I feel overwhelmed it feels like a 100 brightly colored bouncy balls, bouncing all over my chest and into my arms. They are bouncing at 100 miles an hour. This energy makes it feel like my chest and arms are vibrating with overwhelm. As I notice this I see if I can slow the bouncy balls down, can I change their color. Ok, now there are only 40 of them, now they are going slower and are less bright. Now as I sit and allow them, I can slow them down even more. There are only 10 bouncy balls, they are just slowly moving and are soft earthy tones.
This is how to acknowledge how you feel and allow it instead of trying to push it down and keep going.
This exercise should take 3 to 5 minutes total.
It’s also good to keep in mind that your feelings will come back. You will feel overwhelmed again, you will feel sadness again. Perhaps even minutes after this exercise. The important thing to remember is this is something you can do throughout the day. As you practice this it becomes easy and easier.
Life will continue to be hard, but it will be a little easier with you allowing your emotions instead of trying to hold them down like a beach ball under water.
Don’t dismiss the answer that comes to mind when you ask yourself “what do I need at this moment”.
Another thing you can do for self care is to know what you need. After you do the above exercise ask yourself “What do I need at this moment?”
Is it a nap, is it water, is it to have a clean counter and the dishes done when you come home?
Whatever comes to mind, don’t dismiss it.
Maybe you can’t get a nap in the bathroom of the doctor’s office, but how can you get to bed earlier?
Can you ask your husband or kids to clean up the kitchen?
Can you leave it until the next day?
Maybe you need to hire a housekeeper for the next couple months? Nothing should be off the table.
As you start to see what it is you need you will be able to express this better to those around you to ask for help.
So many people want to help, they just don’t know what to do. When they ask often your response is “I don’t know.” After you become more aware of what it truly is that you need you will be able to state
“Would you be able to mow my lawn once a week” “
I need someone to pick up the kids from school every Thursday and bring them home, can you help with that?” Ask your husband, “would you take care of supper every night this week.” Then step back and let him do that.
Do not mention that it’s not what you would make or that there is meat to be used up, just let him make what he makes.
It can also feel like one more thing to do when making time to pray.
Prayer can take just a moment, a breath and a prayer of “Jesus, I trust in you.”
It’s ok to allow God into all of the parts of your life. Not just what is sparkly and put together, but all of it.
The anger, the sadness, the overwhelm, and the stress. Start your day with “Jesus, whatever comes of this day, I give to you.”
Prayer, like self care, doesn’t have to be time consuming.
This is what self care looks like and is.
True self care is little moments of choosing throughout the day.
It takes practice and commitment to yourself. Take it in small increments.
Just for this week, try to practice this 3 times.
The following week try practicing this 4 times. Even 1% progress is still progress.
More about Nichole Haugen:
Nichole introduces herself on her website this way:
My name is Nichole Haugen. I am a grief coach, cradle Catholic and grew up on a ranch in North Dakota. I have been a Registered Nurse for over 10 years. I have worked in long term care, hospice and home health, with hospice being my passion.
In 2019 both of my parents died. My dad died in the summer after a ten year battle with prostrate cancer. Four months later my mom died; tragically and suddenly, in an accident. A month later I found out about a large debt my husband had been hiding from me. Two months after that-COVID. Needless to say I was spinning in overwhelm, anger, sadness, grief, and everything in between.
Something needed to change. All the tools that I have learned about, I now help others with. I help Catholic women who are caregivers or grieving the loss of a loved one. I help you with the flood of emotions that come and go with grief. Grief is not linear and it feels like every time you feel sad, you start to spiral. Book a chat to see how I can help you in your grief.
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